Take it way back on this dreary Wednesday. Think back to middle school and how at times you felt like a misfit and were a bit awkward. You probably felt like you didn’t fit in, everyone was talking about you behind your back and judging your outfits. Fast forward about 20 years and add in miniature versions of yourself to that mix. You just created a picture perfect vision of what parenting is in a nutshell, at least that is how I feel as a mother. At times I feel like I am just not enough.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I have a lot of younger siblings and I am guilty of mothering them most of my life even though they all have a mother who loves them dearly. It has just always been my nature. My beautiful babies are everything I have ever dreamed of and they mean the absolute world to me. But my mind wanders back to the adolescent girl who was self conscious of herself that worried she was being judged. Granted, I am sure people still judge my outfits. #yogapantsarelife
As someone who has struggled with anxiety most of her life, I can attest to worrying over the big and small feats on my journey in motherhood. I had some serious mama guilt for only breastfeeding sass for 8 weeks and then turning to formula. I worry that our little “Har Bear” is too attached to me now as we are still happily (most of the time) chugging along on our breastfeeding journey at 17 months. With both of my decisions on how to nourish our children, I felt and do still feel very judged by others.
Our little bear of a man has recently been going through some separation anxiety and I worry that I don’t pawn him off on people enough. Then my mind wanders back to when I worked full time when sass was a baby. I am immediately overwhelmed with guilt and worry that I was away from her too much when she needed me the most.
Our sweet and sassy girl has been having a tough time at school this year. I worry that maybe there was something we should have done that could have prevented the obstacles she is currently facing. Maybe then she wouldn’t feel so frustrated and stressed in a place that she should love the most.
Then I think of my husband. Am I enough for him? I try to balance so much, juggle multiple things and wear so many hats, sometimes my wife hat falls off and he incidentally ends up last on my list. He assures me I do a great job, but I can’t help but let my mind wander. I picture myself as a gangly, brace face, awkward twelve year old starting at a new school. Everyone judges me, talks behind my back and I worry that I am not enough.
On my toughest days, I try to remind myself that I am enough and the decisions we make are the right ones for our family. I try to tell myself that our babies are amazing because of us, their parents. We are enough for them. They are loving, silly, intelligent, beautiful, curious, and all I ever dreamed of.
Remember, you are enough.