My Lovely Baby Bumps…

Saturday we reach our magic number of 12 weeks.  I am starting to grow a lovely (tiny) baby bump. To most I just look like I have been binge eating Chipotle double meat burritos for 3 weeks though.  I can VERY proudly say that I have passed my excessive vomiting stage as well.  6 days barf free.  I still get little waves of nausea, but it is like night and day to me.  The wonderful joys of pregnancy.  It is a beautiful thing.  I may just barely look pregnant but I sure feel it already.  I swear I aged like 15 years since my last pregnancy (which was only 3 and a half years ago).  I feel like an old, achy granny this time around.  I recently had a conversation with the nurse at my doctor’s office about the weirdest pregnancy symptoms.

1.) Shit.  Have you ever eaten a pound of cheese and not been able to use the bathroom for a week?  That is pregnancy.  (Don’t get all grossed out on me here, you have either a) been pregnant and can relate or b) you caused someone this shit – pun intended…and EVERYONE DOES IT)  Anyways, I am finally able to eat “healthy” foods so my diet consists of more than toast, poptarts, and mashed potatoes, so my fruit and veggie intake has increased drastically.  I ate 3 salads in a matter of 36 hours this week and nothing. If my sister would have done that she would be seat belted to the toilet.  Point blank, it is possible my baby “bump” is really just me being filled with shit.

2.) Knockers.  It is amazing how much can change in just a matter of a few weeks.  At 10 weeks pregnant I had to buy new bras because my girls literally look like I am engorged already.  I am to the point where I haven’t a damn clue what size comes after the size I am currently in….at 10 weeks!!! I am scared to death I will look like Dolly Parton in 10 more weeks.  My roomie keeps telling me “they’re big veiny bastards” (if you have seen Superbad you will recognize the line).  Gee thanks honey, I didn’t already know they were massive, they practically smother me in my sleep as it is.  Literally feel short of breath when I lay down because they crush me.  (sorry to any family members that are uncomfortable reading about my massive boobs)

3.) Nausea.  You all know about my barf issue that I suffered through for 6 weeks. Not much more to talk about there.  I only took a pregnancy test because I felt sick for 3 days and at first thought I caught kiddie crud from sass.  Amazing how fast that happens.  We now refer to that time frame as “the walking dead” and I only called our unborn child a small baby vampire…Call me melodramatic, but I mildly started to look like Bella Swan in the last Twilight books/movies.  I would not wish that on anyone.

4.) Sleep.  I am so hostile about my sleep right now.  Granted I kind of always have been, but any disturbance and I turn into a hormonal raging biatch.  Do not touch me while I am sleeping, if a foot crosses over on my side of the bed, my annoyance is heard immediately.  I have to be in bed early, and I prefer sleeping later than when the sunshine comes up, any less and I am a bear.

5.) Sensitive Skin.  While we are talking about bears, that’s basically what my legs look like.  I had the same thing while pregnant with sass.  I can barely shave my legs without my legs breaking out into a rash.  Yessssssssss I have tried different razors, different shave creams, nothing works.  So I am part time woolly mammoth. (I had to google how to spell woolly, thank you baby brain).  I bruise like it’s my job.  I used an all natural/organic goji berry face mask to help dry up my oily face and it looked like I had a sunburn for 4 hours.  I am not kidding, have you seen the episode of Sex and the City where Samantha gets microdermabrasion?  That was me.  FLAMIN RED FACE exactly where the mask was.

So other pregnant ladies, you are not alone.  I can assure you, these shitless months are totally worth it once you get to hold your tiny poop bandit!!!

Baby bump


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