Mommy Moments

This morning I was sharing a funny story with one of my fellow mommy-friends.  I mean let’s be real there are very few people who understand the “embarrassing mommy stories” better than other mommies.  For you mommies, and non-mommies who find my life incredibly entertaining, I have compiled a few of my most embarrassing mommy moments.

1.) A few months ago we attended a double birthday party for and old friends’ two kids.  There were all kinds of kids at the party, Sass was totally in heaven.  I knew a lot of the people at the party because my friend, her husband, and I all attended the same college.  Now let’s get one thing straight, Sass is two.  Sass has zero understanding of sharing right now, and frankly I am concerned for her fellow peers on the sharing front in the future.  She won’t even share a bite of a popsicle with her dad when he asks nicely — and she is a total daddy’s girl.  So that’s sayin something.  Anyways, things were all hunky dory until the present opening started.  My kid fricking held like 7 mini Frozen characters captive for the remainder of the party, the poor birthday boy was totally distraught over this.  In addition to her Frozen figurine-knapping she also kept climbing and running all over like she was bat shit crazy.  Now before you all get on your high horse and judge me, Sass was not the embarrassing part.  No, no, no.  I was front row and center making sure my kid didn’t tackle anyone over a toy or pocket anyone’s bink and there I was…..glistening like a Christmas ham.  I was so hot and sweaty and flustered.  Literally glistening like a greased pig.  I sweat like mad now that I had a kid – it is RIDICULOUS.  But ohhhhhhh hey college graduating class of 2009(insert hand waving emoji) that gleam is not the glisten of motherhood happiness – I am a sweat monster and I apologize for the pit stains.  You can now call me Sweaty Betty.

2.) This past fall, my sister got married and I was the front-runner for planning the Bachelorette party.  So I load sass in her carseat and we head off to the craft store to get some things for the party.  Of course I refused to spend a shit ton of money on Etsy purchases for this and made things myself (with the exception of sweet temporary tattoos, because nobody has time to make that shit with a two year old at home).  Anyways, I am all cutesy tootsie in my fall apparel.  Sass was lookin super cute too.  We were strollin through the store like it was a piece of cake.  All of a sudden, sass is quiet. Sass is focused.  Sass is takin a big steamy shit.  So I go to the bathroom to change her and there was a tsunami in her pants.  Sass shit everywhere.  Basically I just buttoned her up and carried her shitty self through the store and decided to change her in the back hatch of my SUV so I could just strip her naked.  In the mean time I had sass shit running down my leg, down her legs, up her back.  Total blow out.  Not newborn baby blowout, like a grown human shit themselves.  So I walked from the back of a wholesale craft store to my SUV with shit down the front of me.  Talk about a shitty day.  That shit sucks.

3.) This one is a little mmmmmm….provacative? I guess that is the right word.  So here is your PSA family members.  If ya don’t wanna know about the honky-tonk that goes on in the bedroom, shut it down now. Moving on.  I mean I am not the Virgin Mary, Sass got here somehow! Duh.  So anyways.  Sometimes it is hard to find time to ya knowwwwwwww.  Do the deed.  Sass is a very light sleeper.  Sass has also been sick lately.  So sometimes when your kid running a high fever and waking up every 2 hours it’s just easier to put her in your bed.  So while she was soundly sleeping in our bed, we watched a movie downstairs and things escalated so we took it to the spare room upstairs.  Obviously I didn’t hear her get up out of our bed because the baby monitor was in there turned off.  The little shit will probably be awesome at sneaking out of the house due to her stealthy night creeping activities.  Next thing we know there is sass staring at us.  I haven’t the faintest clue where this idea I had came from.  I immediately crawled out of the spare bedroom on my hands and knees – nakey – barking and panting like a dog.  I told Sass that mommy and daddy were playing puppies.  Now she crawls around the house barking and panting like a dog.  SO. EMBARRASSING. But seriously, one point to me on the quick thinking.

Happy laughing “dawgs”.  Woof.

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