Living Behind Rose Colored Glasses

We live in a society where everything is on broadcasted and publicized on social media.  It’s just the way things are these days.  I know very few people who are not on some form of social media.  I will admit it, I am very guilty of broadcasting everything under the sun on there.  Hell most people know of all the crazy, sassiness that sass causes me just because of social media.

Social media sugar coats things.  I have read a number of posts about this. They all have one thing in common.  Social Media life is a lie compared to real life. In other words, Social Media causes you to live behind these rose colored glasses.  At times, I am sure I am guilty of this as well.  I know when sass was first born I definitely was.  Now, most people know about my good AND my bad times.  Like that one time sass dumped baby rice cereal all over my kitchen floor and tried to make snow angels in it.  Then while sweeping that up, she got into my lipstick and her face was stained red for 3 days.  Or if G doesn’t rack his weights after working out in the basement and I nearly kill myself trying to get them off the top notch on the squat rack.  Or when sass rubs my face and goes “oh mommmmy” at night.  And when my roomie surprises me with little things like flowers or just a 6 pack of beer after a bad day.

Truth be told, Social Media really does paint this picture perfect world for everyone around you to see.  “Here is my perfectly well behaved offspring and my upstanding husband who caters to my every need”.  I call bullshit.  I am going to get incredibly honest and a little serious. I mean, when am I not honest? But I have seen so many people go through the struggles of starting a family and if this helps anyone cope or anyone relate then that is just frickin peachy.

Having a baby and starting a family is f-ing hard.  Hard as hell.  Nothing can help prepare you for the things that will come your way.  Is it worth it? Oh yes.  SO INCREDIBLY MUCH. But it’s frickin hard as shit.

I didn’t have a fantastic pregnancy with sass.  Week 6 of pregnancy an ovarian cyst ruptured so I had a few ultrasounds to make sure sass was still floating around in there lookin all gummy bear like.  When you become pregnant you have zero control about what in the world is goin on in that baby making oven.  I ate fantastically, limited seafood intake, had hardly any caffeine. Blah dee blah dee blah.  But I felt like hell no matter what.  I was gaining weight rapidly.  My belly was all floofed out and I felt like I was gonna piss my pants all the time.  Pressure CONSTANTLY.  I wanted nothing to do with my roomie.  Not because “oh you knocked me up you asshole” no no no.  None of that.  Just I was a crazy, hormonal, pregnant biatch.  (Yeaaaa pregnancy is a beautiful thing…wooo!)This was probably the start of it all.

Sass came along and I was a stressed out basket case.  ALL. THE. TIME.  The doctors talked to my roomie and I about postpartum depression and so on 100 times.  I never had those depression feelings. Thank goodness.  I couldn’t believe we made this tiny, pooping machine. She was perfect so perfect and I loved every minute of it.  But I had anxiety.  Nonstop.  Having people at our house to see the baby gave me anxiety.  Sleeping gave me anxiety.  Any damned noise she made stressed me out.  I literally documented every shit my kid took.  Every diaper change.  Every ounce of liquid gold I pumped out of my GIANT knockers for 6 weeks.  I was a basket case.

I went back to work.  Which only made it worse.  I hated leaving her.  Hated it.  No matter who it was with. I was a mess.  I would stress myself out so incredibly much that I would end up making myself sick and puke.  (heyyyy prebaby body- ha jk. kinda)Finally I had enough courage to talk to someone about this.  I mean it couldn’t be normal that I would check on my daughter every hour – hour and a half throughout the night.  That helped.  I still get all stressed about things and flustered because guess what,  being a mommy is f-in hard and it is scary.

Now on to me and my roomie.  He had no clue how to deal with a baby. Frankly, I didn’t really give him a chance to learn either.  That stressed me out also.  And so was the start of what I thought was the end.  G and I had nothing in common besides sass.  That’s the only thing we related to each other on.  I consumed myself in caring for her.  Most of the time we hated each other.  I wouldn’t communicate things to him.  Just let things bottle up and then we would end up screaming at each other. This went on for probably 7 or 8 months after sass came into our lives. I would be lying if I didn’t think that it was the end.  I had consumed myself with being a mom.  I had lost my identity.

Well after many months we finally decided to spend time on us.  That meant me trying to step back a little.  I had to let go of some control. Letting people help me with sass. Letting people watch her.  Letting him help me.  Me helping him.  You get the picture.  I love you.  You love me.  Big happy f-ing family.

It took a lot of time, a lot of stress, and a lot of tears.  Kids make things hard.  But hot damn they are SO WORTH IT.  We spent months working on our relationship.  Some times we still don’t like each other.  It doesn’t usually last long.  But no marriage is perfect.  G is a fantastic dad. Wonderful.  I love seeing him with sass.  I love seeing how excited sass is when he gets home from work.  Truth be told if we didn’t decide to try to reconnect and do things for US we probably wouldn’t have made it.

Sorry this isn’t the usual funny post.  I just feel for the couples going through these kinds of things.  I have been there.  Here’s your feel good pick me up for the week.  You aren’t alone.

Oh my kid shit in the tub last week….And walks around saying “poof shower ick” now every single night when she gets in the tub.  so there’s that lol

Below: Summer 2013

beach photo

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