This past weekend I was chatting with my roomie in regards to shit you never say to a first time mother. Granted, I am no longer a “new mom” but I am by no means experienced. Sass is only two, I am still learning and growing every single day as a mother, but seriously some shit you just shouldn’t say to mothers.
1.) I remember when sass was fresh out the womb and people asking me if I was breastfeeding. Do I ask you if you took a shit today? Do you want me to ask you if you got laid recently? Then don’t ask me about my boobs and “if I am breastfeeding” or “why I stopped breastfeeding” and if you would “have just given it a try it would have clicked”. Like what? Leave the girls out of this. My boobs. Don’t tell my roomie that though, he will for sure say they’re his.
2.) Wow my baby slept through the night at 2 days old. No they didn’t. I call bullshit. They did not. Sass slept through the night around 9 weeks, but it isn’t an ongoing thing. Babies teeth, they grow, they get sick, they climb out of their cribs, they get cold. Sass on occasion STILL doesn’t sleep through the night. She’s two. Sometimes she gets scared, sometimes she’s cold (have you seen these arctic temps), sometimes she just wants to come and hey say “hiiiii mommmy, hiiiii daddy”. So suck it, your baby does not sleep through the night.
3.) My baby was potty trained at 9 months. I call bullshit again. No they weren’t. They just weren’t. You’re tellin me your baby toddled into the bathroom, knew to wipe their ass, flush, and wash their hands? Then yank their pants back up. 18 months, ok maybe. 9 months, uhhh no. 1 year, uhhhh no. My kid is not ready to shit in the pot. When she is she will do it. Right now she doesn’t want to. Who gives a shit? She’s frickin 2.
4.) “So and so’s kid can repeat the entire webster’s dictionary and they’re 32 seconds younger than sass.” Cool? Did they win the Nobel Prize also? Well guess what my child is bilingual. She says words. She says phrases. And the kid says shit that only her dad and I know what she means. Her recent phrase “nonnies nee”. That means “ella’s bed” because I call her honey sometimes….for example “honey lets go in your bed” so she thinks her name is Honey sometimes. It’s either nonnie or Nella. So stop exagerating, my kid speaks plenty. Most of the time she won’t hush. She also knows colors and shapes and some letters. Just because she doesn’t say them doesn’t mean she doesn’t know. So take Webster and his dictionary and shove it…
5.) As my child is laying on the ground rolling around, holding her breath, and throwing a fit you just don’t say “oh this stage will pass”. At this moment in time I am mildly concerned that my two year old has rage issues and is going to go on a violent spree. Don’t f-ing tell me that! Come on, frickin pat me on the back and say “we’ve all been there” then go get me a flippin drink. For Pete’s sake.
6.) When are you having another? Ummmm hello? Again, how’s your sex life? When was the last time you were laid? Thank you. Don’t go asking me about when I am going to start hanky panky-ing with my man on a time frame based around my cycles to reproduce you another beautiful baby like sass. We will when we will. If you’re reading this, I can only assume you’ve read some of my other stories about her. HELLO?!?! My house would be in complete and utter constant turmoil with another baby right now. And how do you know we aren’t trying for another one (we aren’t, don’t worry. not ready yet) and it is going unsuccessfully. EXACTLY. You don’t. So unless you want me to ask about your sex life don’t go asking me about when I’m droppin another poop bandit out of my vagine.
Thank you and good night.
My “shit you just don’t say to moms” look. (also sass at like 4 days old)