Typically I am overly Christmas. I bleed red and green. I radiate frickin Christmas joy. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” Then I had a baby. Now that baby is two. Two and sassy. Yes, I know experiencing the holidays with your children is magnificent. So magnificent frickin green and red sparkles should shoot out our asses. Let’s be real, sass is just freshly two. She has no f-ing clue what Christmas is.
My mother in law bought sass “Elf on the Shelf” I was so frickin excited to do ridiculous things with this little tart of an elf. We made a big fuss, named her (Red), read the book, blah blah blah. First day she saw it peaking out of the foyer table’s cupboard and went “oh there you are” and walked passed it like it was nothin. Second day it was tucked in the fridge next to her milk. I excitedly asked “do you see Red, your elf?” Again, “there you are.” Then she looked at me like was an f-ing moron and asked for milk. Ok, not old enough for Red the Elf. Looks like the roomie is going to start finding Red the Elf in ridiculous, compromising positions just so I get some joy out of this thing. Watch out, Red got into the liquor cabinet and is twerkin in the hallway mirror again….oh wait, that was me a few weeks ago after a few too many. (kidding, my ass can’t twerk)
I got all of the Christmas decorations out the week of Thanksgiving with the exception of the tree. Figured we would ease into the decor and toddler destruction. I have a ring of garland around a lamp with little gold bulbs on it. Found that thing on sass’s head once or twice like it was a crown. She used the “Eat, Drink, Be Merry” decorative dish to “feed” her Mickey figurines at dinner time a couple hundred times–yes she divvied up dinner in each section for each character. Sharing is caring. (had to spell check divvied 37 times) And she has yanked down the stockings and tried to put them on her feet more times than I can count. Correction, she leaves her stocking alone, she yanks the pug’s stockings down because they literally look like socks with paw prints on them. She has used the tops of the “Christmas tree candles” as kazoos and party hats and finally I caught her wearing the “naughty” hand towel from the bathroom around her head like she was wearing a frickin burka.
With all the goodies around the house I was like “oh sweet she won’t touch the tree”. Last year we didn’t even bother decorating it, but I figured she is old enough this year and won’t want to mess too much. I was wrong. Very, very wrong. Her ornament kill count is currently at 6. The tree has been up 4 whole days. Move the breakables up higher you say? Oh I did. On Day 2. She pushes all her little toys over and stacks them up so she can scale them and/or the tree like she is climbing a cat play yard and STILL gets them down. She is a Macgyver ornament thief. Also caught her using the strap to my purse trying to “lasso” ornaments off the top of the tree today because she has seen the Mickey’s Round Up episode one too many times. Mickey you’re a dick and you’re ruining my tree. I did have a bit of satisfaction when I witnessed the tail end of a bulb soaring through my kitchen. It landed on the wine rack, sass shouted “Touchdown!” and I responded with her first and middle names, whereas she threw her little armies in the air into the touchdown position. My Cleveland Browns hopefulness can’t be mad about that.
Christmas is beautiful and the holidays are a wonderful time to share with your family and children, said no mother of a two year old. Ever. Sass is turning me into Scrooge. She is a tiny South Pole elf that destroys all things Christmas, but shit she sure is cute!!