This past weekend I tried my very freakin hardest to get sass down for a nap. I tried for probably an hour and a half and ended up crying my eyes out saying she hated me and blah dee blah dee blah. Thank goodness for my roomie who offered to wrangle her so I could shower and come to my senses that she’s just a tiny terror. I got to thinking about all the things that mommy’s experience that can really be overwhelming. Whether you’re a new momma or a seasoned toddler momma. I have no idea how I will survive pre-teen and teen momma days, so I’ve got nothin for you people.
Just when you think you’ve got your kid figured out they go and throw you a freakin curve ball. Like a flippin Nolan Ryan curve ball. Oh hey mommy I’ve eaten grilled cheese for the past year and it was my favorite food, until yesterday. Now you have to give me plain non toasted bread, must be buttered, and a piece of cheese. Separate. Bazinga.(this has happened in our house…with the addition of a non cooked separate quesadilla…here take this plain tortilla and shredded cheese…like what?).
The early days of “please sleep…please sleep… please sleep”. You’ve got this teeny, tiny angel who stares up at you and just won’t close their eyes. They finally fall asleep. For a good stretch of time… then all of a sudden your panic senses kick in and you start looking for rising chests, tiny sighs, and make tiny noises to stir them. Then you can’t sleep because they’re f-ing sleeping. The battle is real with a newborn.
You’ve had the day from hell. Like your kid dumped baby rice cereal all over the floor and the pugs look like they’ve been snorting lines off the hardwood floors kind of day from hell. Next up warrior lipstick paint ALL OVER HER FACE. Mmmmmk. Nap time. You finally get that beautiful little head down for a nap. Slowly creeping out of the room, ya know what happens next? Your freaking ankle cracks and it’s like the a-bomb was dropped in the room. “Everybody get down, take cover, hit the deck.” Yes, I have on many, many occasions “hit the deck” and army crawled out of my sass’s bedroom. It is a life or death situation that is taken very seriously in my household.
Why not lay her in her bed alone to nap you may ask? Do you freaking know what it’s like to leave sass unattended? She started climbing out of her crib at 15 months. I found her riding the rails like she was freakin Annie Oakley on more than one occasion. She has been in a big girl bed for a while. Anywho….you leave her unattended and books get shredded. You get a baby wipe snow storm all of the floor. Hair bows everywhere. Diapers removed. It’s never a good thing when you hear the diaper velcro over the baby monitor. It’s a shit storm. Jesus take the wheel.
Do you have any idea how particular toddlers are? It’s like Sheldon Cooper every single day of my life. “Would you like some milk?” “hot, hot, hot…booooo boooooo”. Yep, warm milk in the blue cup. EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. DAY. Sock seams have to be perfectly lined over her toes (I swear to God she got that from my sister). You sure as shit know when she doesn’t want to watch whatever is on the television. Hey, let’s watch Daisy Bo Peep for the 100th freaking time.
Speaking of Bo Peep. Had the very first public embarrassment moment (besides the toddler tantrum moments). Having a grand ole time at Targie (Target, duh) the other day. There was a nice group of ladies wearing bonnets in front of us. Wanna know what sass did? She baa-ed at them. Like a sheep. Baa-ed. Thanks for the bonnet stereotype Bo Peep. Now my kid thinks anyone wearing a bonnet has sheep. Fabulous. So anyone with a belly and a beard is now Santa? Great.