This afternoon I forwarded the viral Huffington Post article about being the “default parent” to a very good friend of mine. For those of you who don’t know, the default parent is the parent who does EVERYTHING for your offspring. Aka me. (no offense honey) Just the way it works. She goes to daddy for fun, I provide everything else. Nourishment, clothing, boo boo kisses, punishments etc. With that being said, I went all “wicked queen” on the sass this afternoon. The little shit boycotted her nap yesterday and was the meanest being on the planet. She sure as shit would have scared away the trick or treaters. Then today she’s all “I’m only going to nap for a half hour mommy because you do not need an ounce of alone time.” Anywhoooo, she’s currently shut in her room with the iPad streaming netflix and hogging the only MB of bandwidth this neighborhood has. The iPad is the new “default parent” this afternoon.
Back to the point, I forwarded the article on to one of my good mommy friends and we got to chatting about how we never, ever have an ounce of peace and quiet. For example, if I were to take a dooski (of course I don’t I am a girl- girls don’t dooski) but if I were, my sass would jam those little fingers under the door screaming “MOMMEEEEEEEE POOOOOOOOOOOOOOP” or if I left the door unlocked she would insist on sitting on my lap. “Get the hell out of here, you are in the splash zone and there is an Ebola alert kid”.
Second topic. Showering. I honestly can count on 1 hand that I have showered alone in the past 3 months. Sass ALWAYS has to be in with me. On occasion she has climbed in fully clothed or if I am really lucky, she chucks toys at me from outside of the curtain. Really makes a gal feel like a stripper when all that is happening, but hey at least I got a shower.
Lastly, sass never wants to eat a meal. I have tried taking away distractions and making her food look like a masterpiece of art..blah dee blah dee blah. She’s a toddler and “ain’t nobody got time for that”. But as soon as I sit down those little fingers are all up in my grill trying to steal my food. Last week I made dinner and had our “pre-dinner side salads” sitting on the table – (yea we have course-meals…BAM I’m Emeril). Next thing I know sass had plucked every single cherry tomato out of both of our salads. Did she eat them you ask? No. She chewed them up and sucked the juice out then hocked the skins and seeds on to my table. I had 8 (I counted) 8 chewed up maters on my table and shes over there shouting “nummmmy num” at me and doing the sign for “more”. No, sass. Here’s some ketchup its the same thing you just did.
Stay tuned for a great trick-or-treat story this weekend. It’s gonna snow and I got the roomie and I matching garb(insert roomie curse words bc of the cold and matching apparel) to go with the sass so we can parade her around the neighborhood and then eat all her loot. In the mean time I am going to look at the “big book of Christmas” that the douche bag giraffe sent in the mail today and circle everything I want for Christmas. Preferably non-noise making items and non-clean up items. I circle a box. Sass is getting a giant box to play in. It’s a Christmas miracle.