I always thought I may have had a fairy tale opinion of motherhood. It would all be perfect and angels would sing and rainbows would shoot out of her butt. But hell, that was surely rocked the second my teeny, tiny goat was placed on my chest.
1.) Nobody once told me what a freaking spazztastic human I would turn into. I mean my God, some nights I lay in bed and think about all the things that could go wrong. Like for instance what happened this morning. I was under the impression sass was still sound asleep in her room. Nope. Wrong. Very wrong. She had creeped into the spare room and took a nice dump in the corner. Ok, I really don’t worry about those kinds of things happening, even though I probably should.
2.) That I would be a total super human super model and bounce back to my prebaby body. (by prebaby body I mean what I looked like entering college when I was 18) I mean I can’t lie, I have been very blessed on this end, but nooooooooobody told me that your skin stays stretchy for a few months and your ta-tas never perk back up around your chin. And hell holding any type of urine or bowel movement for longer than 2.3 seconds will result in a sass comparable mess on the floor.
3.) The ever blissful dream of “I will give my baby all organic forever, and ever, and everrrrr. FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRR” (channeled ole squints and the Sandlot on that one) I did pretty good with this in the beginning. I was super human Pinterest mom and made Sass’s baby food until she was about 10 months old. Then it was like trying to keep up with a Varsity football team. She just ate too much too fast. Then she got into real food and it all went out the window. Especially after she ate the penny at the bank or shoved a fistful of dog food down her throat more than once. Now I am lucky if the kid even eats.
4.) I for sure thought I would be a super, tough, power mom. I would work full time and be AWESOME. Yep, that changed as soon as I saw my tiny, 7 pound blonde beauty. I never, ever want her out of my site!!!!!! Except for when I am in the bathroom, because most days she has to sit on my lap while I am in there. I am incredibly blessed to be with my daughter and not totally lose my career by working part time from home. Which leads me to those animals out there being judgmental of the “stay at home mom”. Yesssss, I have seen that smut all over the fbook. I challenge you to try to keep yourself clean, your child clean, your house semi-clean, keep your 4-legged children tended too, and also keep everyone alive and fed. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Most days I can’t remember if I showered, brushed my teeth, or ate. I apologize to the general public for often times looking homeless, but my God I love seeing my girl grow, and blossom. (Even if that includes blossoming her vocab with cuss words) So lets take a moment here….to everyone bashing the hell out of “working moms”, “stay at home moms”, “fur moms”, “non moms”…why don’t we all just cool our boobs here and take a minute and ask WHY THE HELL ARE WE ATTACKING EACH OTHER….let’s just bash the men in our lives instead…(I kid, I joke…sorta) But seriously, we women need each other, lets stop.
5.) My final blissful motherhood reality was that shit would be ab-so-f*cking-lutely perfect with me and my roomie. We would mold into this perfect, suburban family. He would walk through the door with “honeyyyyyy I’m home”. I would rush around the corner in my perfectly ironed dress, pearls, and stilettos and take his lunchbox while toting the baby on my hip. WRONGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The first 6 months were f-ing rough and at times we HATED each other. It does get easier, in time. Takes both parties, but parenthood has brought us so much closer and we have grown so much together. I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else. Til death do us part…or our kid explosive shits in his closet next to his shoes…(that has happened)
Motherhood is a different journey to everyone. Whether to be a momma or not. Let’s get one thing straight, rainbows don’t come out of their tiny butts. Nothing good comes out of there.