Potty Training…awwwww shit!

For the past six months I have taken a “laid back” approach to potty training the sass.  I have by no means been trying to really train her, just introduce the shitter to her.  If she says she doesn’t want to try, then ok, maybe the next day, week, month…year??  All these moms and dads are out there wishing their kids would just take a wizz on the toilet for the rest of their lives and I’m over here thinking “but then you have worry about accidents in public, wetting the bed, finding a sanitary place for your kid to park it on during long drives”.   I think back to college and all those times I peed behind a building, in an alley way etc – All of these embarrassing moments could have been avoided if I had my very own poop container to wear 24/7.   I will gladly wipe her little heiney who takes a dump in a contained poo holder for a little while longer because I am what you call a “lazy mom”.

Anywhoooo.  The past few weeks I have tried to be a little bit more involved with the ole shitter and sass.  About two weeks ago I parked her ass on her potty in the family room while she watched some Mick (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) and continued on with cleaning up the morning breakfast.  By breakfast I mean the yogurt finger paint that occurred on my table while I tracked a damn pug down in my jammers because heaven forbid he just take a dump in the wet grass in our own yard.  (another story-I promise). Next thing I know my kid is standing on her potty chair butt-ass naked doing some kind of banshee squeal, leaping off the pot, and takin an ole squatt-a-roo on my carpet in the corner shouting POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF! at me.  (poof =poop)  You got that right folks, my kid shit on my carpet.  No shame.

So today I figured I would give it another try. I was told to just throw some skivies on the kid and at some point in the next few days she would “just get it”.  So by 10am we had gone through 4 pairs of unders and she had only shit on the potty once.  In my mind I am pep talking myself.  Screw encouraging my kid.  I am trying to not go insane from cleaning urine off a two year olds legs for the fifth time since we woke up.  Sooooooo, while throwing her 794 (4 just 4) pairs of unders in the washing machine she had scaled up 3 shelves in the pantry on the hunt for frickin Fig Nutons that had been in there for god knows how long.  I sprint over like a bat out of hell and guess what happened next? You will never guess.  I slipped in a giant puddle of pee and fell flat on my back into said pee.  Sass climbed down, stared at me, said “oh shit, uh ohhhh” and walked right past me like nothing happened as I lay in her pee on my hard wood floors.  Well played sass – into the diaps you go. We gave it a good try, I am sending you to college in diapers.

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