Apparently, my life is mildly entertaining to some. Most days are spent raising a tiny 2 1/2 foot blonde goat, trying to clean the toys up in record time every evening before the roomie gets home (seriously, it’s like the beat dropped and I gotta move double time some days), and trying to perfect Pinterest recipes so I can one day hang with my girl Rachie Ray on daytime television (Nailed it!). Oh the goat, yeah that’s my kid. HA! Get it, kid? Often referred to as sass. But, no really my 2 year old daughter is a tiny farm animal, specifically a goat and destroys everything in her path. For example:
One Sunday afternoon my roomie (husband – haaaaaaate the word husband but that is a story for another day), sass, and I were enjoying an exhilarating trip to Bath and Body Works. Nothin gets me more riled up than a 2 for $22 candle sale – except maybe the 7 for $27 unders sale at Vickie’s. Anwhooooo, we were shopping for some candles, wallflowers, and soaps. We arrive at the front check out, and when I say front I mean the freaking back of the store- far enough back so every employee can ask me if they can assist me. Back off – go help the ole biddy over there or beards mcgee who is looking for a scent for his lady. We get up to the cashier and she rambles some asinine amount back to me well over $100. The roomie stares at me in disbelief and rolls his eyes. The nice cashier then asks for my coupons.
Me: I did have some, they were bright green. One for a free travel size signature scent and a 20% off my entire purchase. You see the tiny blonde in the stroller spitting on the floor over there? Unfortunately, I found them mangled and chewed up and hid behind one of our curtains. So no, I don’t have any today for my purchase.
Cashier (staring blankly at me): Oh honey, I will give you the coupons because this is a first for me. Normally it’s a dog.
We proceed with our transaction, including a travel size signature scent body wash – FO FREEEEEEEEEEEE and a 20% cheaper balance. You’re welcome monthly budget. On our way out the roomie stops, stares at me with a sense of pride, then leans over and says “Way to go babe! Do you do this often? Make up stories so you can get discounts and free shit?” I pondered for a minute. Do I let him think I’m skeezy and I lie to get my way? Naaaaa
Me (as I removed the antibacterial mini from my daughters mouth as she attempts to shotgun it): I shit you not, that story was not made up. I found both coupons gnawed on, soggy, and mangled behind the curtain by the entertainment center a few days ago. No it wasn’t the dogs because our daughter had pieces of cardboard stuck to her face also. Now keep pushing her before she jams another pocket bac in the stroller with her five finger discount and tries to drink it again.